Jovan Belcher‘s murder of Kasandra Perkins should be keeping us up at night. Families, communities, football fans, men – we all have reasons to be upset by this murder.
For us three guys, there are some specific things keeping us lying awake these past few nights.
1. Almost nobody in the mainstream media is saying it. But for those of us who do this work, the Belcher case sounds like domestic violence. A lot. And domestic violence (DV) happens. A lot. Most men reading this know someone who has been affected by it. Perhaps we witnessed it ourselves. The majority of DV is never reported. And while it can be committed by anyone against anyone, 1 out of 4 women in the US are abused by men in their lifetime. On average, three times a day in the U.S. a man kills his female partner or ex-partner.. It happens. A lot. While this case is tragic and shocking, it is not by any means uncommon. So, why are we pretending this case is something else? Why are we so afraid to confront the reality that we all know?
The reality of domestic violence in the US goes far beyond this small paragraph. It has kept us up many nights. But it’s not the reason we’re writing this today.
2. Media coverage of domestic violence tends to suck. Big time. When DV does make headlines, it is often grossly distorted to the point of doing more harm than good. Predictably, we are seeing: victim blaming, minimization, denial or distortion of the “facts”. And as with other celebrities and athletes of color – racism, mostly coded. Some examples of all too common headlines and (lack of) discussion about domestic violence:
- Ignoring the reality of what happened/shifting the focus entirely
- Euphemisms for Domestic Violence
- Focus ANYWHERE but on Kasandra Perkins and their daughter, Zoey
Two examples that we like a whole lot more:
- The Killing of Kasandra Perkins by Jovan Belcher
- Remember Their Names: In Memory of Kasandra, Cherica & Others
Members of the media need to be held accountable when they perpetuate victim-blaming myths. This has also kept us up many nights. But the reason we’re writing this today-the reason we’ve been up nights these past few days – is….
3. Domestic violence is also a MEN’S ISSUE. Belcher’s case shows us this, dramatically and poignantly. It is a men’s issue because it affects our lives, all of us, whether we are aware of it or not. And usually we are very aware. But we don’t admit it.
We need to ask ourselves:
How are we as men – and the men in Jovan’s life – working to ensure that this never happens again?
Are we men challenging those (news outlets, our families, even our fantasy football leagues) who blame victims of domestic and sexual violence for someone else’s choice to control, abuse, and even murder?
Are we as men okay with men committing violence against women? If not, what are we doing to stop it?
This, THIS is what is keeping us up at night.
Men’s silence. Our own deafening silence.
Our silence in the face of this epidemic of violence is intolerable. How dare we men turn a blind eye when our brothers, fathers, uncles, co-workers and teammates commit violence against the women in our lives? Against women we have never met?
How dare we men stay silent? Women have been speaking, yelling, begging, arguing for decades (centuries!) about domestic violence. Women have been educating us about it, and waiting for us to stand with them as allies – waiting for us to finally end our silence.
And where are we? It is time for us as men to PUT UP OR SHUT UP. Either we start speaking out en-masse against men’s violence, or admit publicly that it isn’t a priority for us. That we actually don’t care about the consequences of violence against women.
But silence is not acceptable anymore. It can’t be. Too many women (along with a growing number of men) have worked too hard for too long. Domestic violence is too well known. Too many are injured and dying for us to stay silent anymore. There are no excuses left. Really, there never were.
If this confuses you, inspires you, angers you, just plain affects you in any way then join us at Masculinity U…or Joe Erhmann – Coach For America, or the National Organization for Men Against Sexism, or Men Can Stop Rape, or A Call to Men, or Men Stopping Violence, or the White Ribbon Campaign, or Coaching Boys Into Men, or Promundo, or the dozens of other men’s and women’s organizations doing the work we should be doing.
In the wake of Jovan Belcher’s actions, support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, or the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence, or the Rose Brooks Center, or the Kansas City Anti-Violence Project, or your local domestic violence organization. Donate goods to them, contribute money, volunteer for them – call them and see what they need. Write to Congress – urge them to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act before it expires at the end of the month.
Or start your own damn group.
And share this with the men in your life.
Sincerely and in brotherhood,
Joe Samalin, Sacchi Patel, and Ben Atherton-Zeman
Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy. National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, “Extent, Nature and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey,” (2000).
 Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006.
Reblogged this on Sacchi13's Blog.
The very BEST of the good men standing up against the violence, remembering the victims, and holding the media accountable for their reporting of these crimes accurately. Thank you, Joe, Ben and Sacchi!
Thank you for saying this. I have always found the silence form males on domestic violence was deafening
Many thanks for this article. It comes at a great time and gives traction to the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence movement.
Here’s another way for men to get involved. Pledge to stop using the term “wifebeater” to talk about white undershirts! http://saynotoviolence.org/join-say-no/im-wearing-my-shehugger-during-16-days-activism-against-gender-violence?fb_action_ids=10151307781930589&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582
Thank you so much for doing this. As a journalist, author, advocate for non-violence, mother of three grown sons and survivor of domestic violence, thank you. I appreciate your honest approach and your sincere wish to have more men involved in stopping the violence. Thank you.
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We’re past asking for permission to have these conversations with our sons, brothers,uncles,cousins,colleagues,teamates, we must go hard or go home when it comes to mens violence against women. and home shouldn’t be an option, home is where it all started and where women so often don’t feel safe, say word!!!
Thanks for posting your words! If people are willing to speak out, we can create change. Thank you for sharing your brilliant mind.
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”And where are we? It is time for us as men to PUT UP OR SHUT UP. Either we start speaking out en-masse against men’s violence, or admit publicly that it isn’t a priority for us. That we actually don’t care about the consequences of violence against women.”
Actually, the consequences of violence against women is so great that Belcher chose putting a gun to his own head and killing himself rather than facing them. Belcher knew that policeMEN were looking for him and were going to bring him to justice. Shooting a woman, as far as I know, is against the law and has been for hundreds of years. How much more of a public admittance that shooting a woman is not to be tolerated is required?
This was a really good article as you are stepping up and speaking out for the women in your lives. Most men don’t realize that domestic violence does affect the women (mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends, friends wives, neighbors) that they already know. DV is not talked about and domestic violence needs to be discussed in private conversations, with friends and family; to having a national dialog via media: news, sports, politicians, celebrities. But unfortunately that doesn’t always work. Look at what happened with Bob Costas who spoke out about DV and guns; and the crap he received for making those statements. I would say that our country’s priorities are still way off. In your article you state that “three times a day in the U.S. a man kills his female partner or ex-partner.” If there’s a gun in the house, the woman has a good chance of being killed by the abuser and that gun. But your article gives me hope that maybe men are understanding what’s been happening. But what I really like in your article, is what men can do about DV. An alternative to DV, now that’s progress! Thank you for this article. I’m sharing with everyone I know.
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