Heteronormativity of Valentine’s Day (From the Archive)

Sacchi Patel

Co-Founder MasculinityU

February 14, 2011

Today marks an important holiday for Americans as we spend close to $18,000,000,000 to make up for not showing others we love them the other 364 days out of the year. A simple Google search for “Valentine’s Day Gifts” promises to yield more red heart-shaped merchandise than even Cupid intended for. All this isn’t my issue as I no longer contribute to this substantial one-day consumer financial deficit due to low wages and no partner; aka I’m a broke and single grad student. What troubles me much more than spending my textbook money on a sterling silver necklace is the fact that one of our nation’s largest holidays (and one that most Americans seem to observe indiscriminately of religious affiliation) is only intended for part of our population. You see, Valentine’s Day only actually exists in a heterosexist and patriarchal framework also known as “everyday American life”. Valentine’s Day is one of the most Heteronormative displays of our country’s message: members of the LGBTIQ community are not welcome here. This of course is hidden behind chocolate, roses, hearts, and more chocolate.

Capitalism encourages websites and stores to neatly categorizes their items “Gifts for Him” and “Gifts for Her”. This makes life easier for many of us, however it does not make it easier for all of us. In fact, it can actually lead to people feeling out-casted and worthless. Today, I saw a “His & Her” matching pajama set for sale online. Though accommodating for heterosexual couples, imagine how some people of the LGBTIQ community would feel if they saw this at every store or every website that they visited to find something for their partner. Some relationships may have no one who identifies as either a man or a woman. What options would they have? Should this just be their problem since they are gay? Should they have to feel the constant disapproval of their relationship from all of our society with every offer of a blue and pink pajama set? In short, the answer is no.

The fact of the matter is that heterosexuality is a privileged identity, which by virtue of its definition encourages us never to think about anyone who isn’t heterosexual. Heteronormativity encourages us to live life with its advantages and never stop to think how those advantages come to us so easily nor does it allow us to think about who is systemically suffering when we accept those privileges.

Further, Valentine’s Day allows our society to harbor dangerous beliefs that contribute to a system of hegemonic masculinity. The holiday not only teaches us that boys must like girls and vice versa, but it teaches our youth that boys must be the providers for needy girls who must remain submissive. With this thought it is no wonder that these simple ideas can manifest themselves into adulthood that at times can be filled with violence. Additionally, we must challenge all the ways that Valentine’s Day forces us to conform to a binary system as it pertains to gender. We are declaring that only men/boys and women/girls exist or should exist, when in actuality we know that we are leaving many people out

Though it may seem that I am a bitter person who hates love, I assure you that my intent is to spread love. A love to be spread every single day of the year, to every one of us (without leaving anyone out).


8 thoughts on “Heteronormativity of Valentine’s Day (From the Archive)

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Heteronormativity of Valentine’s Day « The MasculinityU Blog -- Topsy.com

  2. While I appreciate your awareness of the heterosexism of commercialism I was slightly offended (probably not the best word) by this blog post. As a lesbian in a married relationship I have to wonder how many people you have asked, who are gay and lesbian, their thoughts and feelings about Valentine’s Day.
    To me, a lesbian, Valentine’s Day is one of the few days of the year where love is the message. It is a day when celebrating my love for my wife is no one’s business or agenda. It is a day when our love is as equally celebrated as anyone else’s.
    I would not buy a matching pajama set or any other “hers and hers” item for my wife and she would not for me. I see these gifts as silly, impersonal tokens of love and affection. Not my style.
    Valentine’s Day to me isn’t one that says I am not welcome here. It says the opposite. It has never made me feel out-casted and definitely not worthless, again quite the opposite.

    • Heidi, thanks for this very important feedback. Of course as a heterosexual man, my view is very limited on this issue I chose to write about. Though the input I collected from my friends and acquaintances that identify with the LBGTQ community was the spark for this piece, it doesn’t mean they represent all from the LGBTQ community. So your point is not only valid, but extremely important to consider. How great that you and your partner find VDay yet another way to show your love for each other.
      I suppose when writing this piece, I am a bit intentionally one-sided.

      Sorry if this offended you! I intended it to interrupt mainstream heterosexist thinking. Always room to improve for the future I hope.


    • Right. But what I do not understand is why people make one day out of the year about LOVE. Shouldn’t we encourage LOVE everyday? I understand that people may not be able to go above and beyond for their partners everyday but it doesn’t take much to express how you feel to the ones you LOVE. This holiday just reminds me that our idea of LOVE tends to be about the images we are presented with. Everything commercial seems to be about the surface. I’m more concerned about having a healthy relationship than flowers and candy.

      As for heterosexuality. We still live in a world that only considers relationships between men and women natural. It’s really difficult to escape that fact. Whats even more unfortunate is that many within gay/queer communities have internalized this notion and continues to perpetuate it.

  3. Pingback: The Terms Transgender, GID, and TF Need to be Removed from the DSM!!!! « bayareabetty

  4. Wonderful article! Alot of people don’t like to read articles like this because it’s a holiday that is supposed to be all about “love” and your significant other, ya know it’s like “How dare you ruin a good thing!!”
    ..But as a trans woman myself, my partner and I do not partake in this heteronormative holiday that has loads of problems, many you went over.

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